Well, I'm still gritting my teeth and trying to ride out the multitude of side effects I'm experiencing, but I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I've had to say "No" to visitors again as Cyril is kicking my arse. I'm on the ropes.
Writing this blog has been hugely cathartic for me and is something I can turn to as an outlet when the mental battle is getting difficult. It's also useful for me to see how far I've come in a short time with the treatment. Today marks 2 weeks since I was admitted.
The 19th of January was the last time I've seen my Daughter in person. She's been ill as well so has had to stay away and we've been managing with video calls. These usually involve her going immediately to the "funny face" filters. We played games together, had a cuddle and enjoyed the general silliness that's at the core of our relationship.
I was on a bit of a high after the visit and my mind was working overdrive. I started to think about all the good things that could come from this experience. It's a chance to re-evaluate my life and make some changes for the better. So often I've been on the hamster wheel, trying to achieve things in my career and my personal life. This is a reminder of what is really important.
I had a wander down the ward and could see some really poorly people. It gave me a bit of perspective.
The next day I had a visit from the physio which was great. She came up with a little programme for me and brought an exercise bike! While I'm not expecting to break any PBs in here, it's nice to be moving again. Exercise has been - and continues to be - such a hugely important part of my life.
There was a lot going on the the night with transfusions, antibiotics, medication and general monitoring. My Consultant said they were "watching me like a hawk" and she's not wrong. Sleep is fitful at best in here.
On the 21st I had my chemo administered while a couple of my mates were visiting. I told them the story of how I'd ended up here and we chatted about life outside the hospital. There may or may not have been comments about the attractiveness of various nurses on the Ward.
The Doctors did there rounds and gave me a bit more clarity about what lay ahead. Essentially they are closely monitoring my response to the initial course of treatment while keeping a close eye on how my body reacts. I'd not felt too bad leading up to this stage but the side effects were about hit me with a sucker punch.
I started to experience fevers, which have been daily. I've got cold sores around my mouth and inside my nose! I've sores inside my mouth and on my tongue. I can't eat anything without is passing through me faster than A Train. This is particularly devastating as I actually quite like the food in here and it makes me reluctant to eat! I get headaches and brain fog. I feel tired and washed out.
But the Doctors have told me this is all to be expected and to just keep "going the course." That's something I can definitely get on board with.
So that pretty much brings me up to date. I'm typing this after another rough night but I'm still hanging onto the prospect of turning the corner and starting to feel a bit better.
"Death smiles at us all, all we can do is smile back."
- Marcus Aurelius
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