Mum.

Today at 08:00 my beautiful, kind and courageous Mum passed away. She could not recover from her injuries but was at peace in the knowledge that she would be going to see my Dad.

Being in hospital having chemotherapy while my beloved Mum slipped away is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We said our goodbyes on Monday. I'm grateful we had that opportunity. Maybe she was trying to protect me when she told me she didn't want me to stay until the end. I reassured her that I was winning my fight against cancer and she told me to live a long and happy life. As broken as I feel right now, I intend to keep that promise. 

On Tuesday I went to the spot where my Dad's ashes were scattered. I told him that she's coming home. The grief crashed over me in waves. At times I felt like I was drowning in it. I still do. But that evening I went out for a family meal and reminded myself of the joy in life that is still available to me.

I returned to hospital yesterday morning to continue Round 3. My partner stayed with me for as long as possible. I felt incredibly loved and lucky. 

I was reading Born to Run by Christopher McDougall as the inky blue dose of Mitoxantrone coursed through my veins. There's a quote in the book attributed to the founder of the Leadville 100 Ultra Race: 

"You're tougher than you think you are, you can do more than you think you can do."

Let's hope he's right. 

Mitoxantrone is a new drug to me and the side effects are an unknown quantity. So far I've felt sick, lost my appetite and had headaches but I've not experienced anything too extreme.

My mate visited me yesterday afternoon. It's important to reach out and lean on your friends and family at times like these. I've got more visits to come. 

This morning, after a fitful night's sleep, I found motivation severely lacking. I sat staring at an empty chair for a while. The chair my Mum would have sat in, had she been there visiting. When she used to say: "I'm going to get off now," I'd ask her to stay a bit longer. But you can go now Mum. I'll be OK.