Meaning.

I've been watching coverage of the London Marathon this morning and it always strikes me how many inspirational stories there are behind the thousands of runners. Among the 56,000 the camera briefly centred on a lady called Kathryn Haddock who opted to run 26.2 miles dressed as a fish! She's racing to raise funds for the Spinal Injuries charity. It put a smile on my face and I couldn't help thinking there was a message there for me. 

I don't necessarily subscribe to the belief that "everything happens for a reason." I find that too prescriptive and it's difficult to find a reason for the many tragedies that happen in this world. What I have come to believe is that you can find meaning in suffering. However hard or painful life gets, there can be opportunities for growth and positivity. So I might just add another charity to my list and find myself on the start line of the World's greatest marathon some day.

The day after my Mum passed away my incredible Partner visited. She spent most of the day with me. I can't even begin to describe the gratitude I owe her. She's been with me every step of the way and during my diagnosis, three rounds of brutal chemotherapy and the loss of my Mum she has not wavered. She has an inner strength that leaves me in absolute awe.

Later in the day my beautiful Daughter visited. We played outside in the hospital grounds. They have a nice garden near the ward and there is some outdoor gym equipment she likes to play on. I held her a little bit tighter that day. She's been through a lot this year.

On the 25th I had a visit from the physio. He brought me an exercise bike and some weights to keep me ticking over. I've come to learn that physical activity is a form of therapy, as I'm sure many of the Marathon runners will attest.

I had a visit from a friend in the afternoon. I'd told her about my Mum and she had no hesitation in coming to the hospital to chat and give me a hug, even after working nights. My Partner visited again in the evening and we had a walk and watched an episode of Last Kingdom. It felt like a fairly normal evening!

On the 26th I woke up feeling quite sick and was worried I was getting sores in my mouth again. I tried to shrug it off and managed a workout on the bike while watching the Pope's funeral. It made me want to go back to Rome. What a city! 

I had visits from friends during the day and they all somehow managed to lift my spirits. I've had a lot of love and support recently - and during the last few months - it's really humbled me.

So that brings me up to date. I've spoken to the Doctor who is happy with my blood tests today and will allow me to go home this evening. I didn't think I'd have the strength to get through this round without the visits from my Mum. But I've realised today that she's still here with me. Dad too.

Mum.

Today at 08:00 my beautiful, kind and courageous Mum passed away. She could not recover from her injuries but was at peace in the knowledge that she would be going to see my Dad.

Being in hospital having chemotherapy while my beloved Mum slipped away is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We said our goodbyes on Monday. I'm grateful we had that opportunity. Maybe she was trying to protect me when she told me she didn't want me to stay until the end. I reassured her that I was winning my fight against cancer and she told me to live a long and happy life. As broken as I feel right now, I intend to keep that promise. 

On Tuesday I went to the spot where my Dad's ashes were scattered. I told him that she's coming home. The grief crashed over me in waves. At times I felt like I was drowning in it. I still do. But that evening I went out for a family meal and reminded myself of the joy in life that is still available to me.

I returned to hospital yesterday morning to continue Round 3. My partner stayed with me for as long as possible. I felt incredibly loved and lucky. 

I was reading Born to Run by Christopher McDougall as the inky blue dose of Mitoxantrone coursed through my veins. There's a quote in the book attributed to the founder of the Leadville 100 Ultra Race: 

"You're tougher than you think you are, you can do more than you think you can do."

Let's hope he's right. 

Mitoxantrone is a new drug to me and the side effects are an unknown quantity. So far I've felt sick, lost my appetite and had headaches but I've not experienced anything too extreme.

My mate visited me yesterday afternoon. It's important to reach out and lean on your friends and family at times like these. I've got more visits to come. 

This morning, after a fitful night's sleep, I found motivation severely lacking. I sat staring at an empty chair for a while. The chair my Mum would have sat in, had she been there visiting. When she used to say: "I'm going to get off now," I'd ask her to stay a bit longer. But you can go now Mum. I'll be OK.

    

Testing times.

These are testing times. I'm sat in my kitchen writing this while I reflect on a week during which everything changed. Again.

While I've been making good progress in my recovery, my dear old Mum has been involved in a car accident and broke her neck. It's early days and we are all hoping and praying her healing journey can follow a similar trajectory to mine.

Last week started well. The weather was good and I went for a walk with loved ones, followed by a pub lunch in the sun. I had my Daughter overnight for the first time in 3 months and it was lovely. Spending time with her gives me such a huge lift psychologically. It was like nothing had ever happened.

On the 14th of April I was busy with life admin when I received a phone call from my Mum. Except it wasn't my Mum. It was a passer by who was at the scene of an accident and was using her phone. I went straight there to find her slumped over the wheel, being supported by an off duty nurse. I went into work mode and helped the paramedics. It was only later that it started to sink in that it was my mum on the spinal board, in a neck brace. I had a similar experience when I performed CPR on my Dad a couple of years ago.

Mum was taken to a specialist hospital and I spent the rest of the day in A&E with her. It was chaotic but I did what I could to reassure her. I stayed as long as I could and left when she was comfortable for me to go, as I had my own hospital appointment in the morning. 

Mum was moved to the critical care unit while we waited for more news from the Doctors. I had my Daughter overnight again. I didn't tell her too much about her Nanny and she provided a welcome distraction. She's got a fantastic sense of humour. It's times like that when you realise you need your kids more than they need you.

I visited Mum on the 16th and it was difficult. I don't want to go into too much detail because we still don't know the repercussions of her injury. Me and my sister managed to make her laugh a few times and she seemed in good spirits, all things considered.

I was unsure about a planned weekend away with my Partner but my Mum insisted on me going and trying to have a good time! So, on the 17th we headed off to the Forest of Dean. My Mum was on my mind a lot of the time but I was able to get updates from the hospital and from my siblings which put my mind at ease somewhat. The Forest was a welcome tonic and we had a lovely time wandering through the woods with family.

I got back today and will be visiting my Mum tomorrow, hoping to see that she's made some progress. I'm back in for Round 3 of chemo on Wednesday and it will be difficult not having my morning coffee visits from her!

I can only hope that my Mum makes a full recovery and we can celebrate navigating a difficult year together. 

"I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered. These sufferings are even the things of which I am most proud, though these are things which cannot inspire envy."

- Viktor Frankl  

On the attack.

I now have a rough idea when I'll be back in for Round 3. The Doctors don't seem overly concerned at the moment and are pleased with my progress. This means they are happy to wait until after the Bank Holiday weekend and I'll get more time with loved ones before going back in.

Having a plan and escaping the recent feeling of being in limbo has given me a new surge of positivity and energy. I've decided to go on the offensive and attack my recovery, before I go back in. This manifested in a quick one mile celebratory run when I got back from the hospital this afternoon.

I've continued to feel well, in between treatments, and I've been getting out and enjoying the weather by staying active, running and walking. On the 6th of April we went out for a sunny hike at Surprise View and Padley Gorge. It was busy and there was a holiday atmosphere. We rounded it off with an ice cream and I exchanged pictures of the sunshine and scenery with my Daughter's Mum who was abroad.

I was up early on the 7th for a 2 mile run. It was cold and I had to scrape the ice off the car. After helping my Mum with some moving house admin I was at a loose end. I daresay that boredom may have started to set in!

I was back in hospital on the 8th but still in the dark about their plans for me. I went for a 4 mile run with my partner in the afternoon. It felt really good to run that far, the furthest distance I've been post diagnosis. 

On the 9th it was a Wetherspoons brunch with a few of the lads. Two of them hadn't seen me since I was in hospital and they remarked on how much better I was looking. We chatted over coffee for a couple of hours. It was a welcome catch up and a big morale booster. I'd been struggling to shake the feeling of being lost without my Daughter and the sense of purpose that work gives me. I know it will pass, she's only on holiday and work can wait. But my remedy, as ever, was to keep moving. I went for a 4 mile golden hour walk through the park.

It was more moving house admin on the 10th and a 2.5 mile run with my new running buddy. It was a warm one, so we went steady. A very chilled out afternoon followed.

My Martial Arts club have recently used AI to turn some of the students into anime characters. I was honoured to be included 😅 :

I think I need to give Cyril the same look!

That brings me up to date. I've always been a planner and not knowing when I'd be facing my next round of chemo didn't sit well with me. Now I've got an idea, at least, I feel loads better. Once I've got Round 3 behind me I'll be on the home straight, leaving Cyril for dust.

I'm off for a pint. Enjoy the weather!

Limbo

I'm in limbo at the moment. Round 3 of chemo was supposed to start on Monday but it looks like it's being delayed. As much as I know it will make me feel like shit for a little while, I'm eager to get it out of the way. Patience has never been a virtue of mine. I keep having to remind myself that it's not even 3 months since my diagnosis.

I'm feeling relatively fit and healthy at the moment and managed a 5km run this morning. I say run, it was more of a jog/shuffle. Running is like drinking in reverse. You feel terrible at first but great after.

It was my Partner's Birthday on the 31st of March. We had glorious, sunny weather and went for a 6 mile walk through Bakewell and Ashford in the Water. Bakewell was busy but the walk along the river was quiet and peaceful. We rounded it off with a Peak District Platter at the Wheatsheaf before heading home for pizza and a movie with her Daughter. I'm clearly still taking the Doctor's advice to gain weight!

The next day wasn't quite as wholesome. I had my bone marrow biopsy and it hurt. I received little to no information about when I'd be back in for Round 3 so I spent the rest of the day moping about until my little girl visited and cheered me up. The initial treatment in hospital, when I was at a lot of risk, was absolutely first class. Since I've been home it's not been so good. Most of the time when I attend my appointments they ask me what I'm there for. Surely they should be telling me that information!

I felt loads better on the 2nd and the soreness from the biopsy was wearing off. I had a busy day sorting the garden out and helping my Mum with her new flat. My Partner came round in the early evening and we took the dogs out into the Peaks to catch a sunset.

On the 3rd I managed a 2.5 mile run around the park. We had our first BBQ of the year in the evening and it was great to see the kids playing together again. On the way there I saw an old fella in a sporty Merc' with the roof down. He was wearing sunglasses and a Panama hat. He looked cool as fuck and was clearly living his best life. It occurred to me that we should not bemoan getting older. It's a privilege that is not afforded to many.